defeated

i'm embarrassed to admit that i'm already burnt out after one semester of school. i'm especially burnt out with my internship. each morning that i go to my internship i tell myself that it's going to be a great day. i tell myself that i will be thankful for the small victories and even when i feel like i'm not making a huge difference, i am still helping someone somehow. however, by the end of the day i feel defeated. my stomach aches and i literally feel like i just had the life sucked out of me. to top matters off, i can tell that i'm exhausting my family when i express my frustrations. it's turning into a one-way conversation and that's never a good sign.

it's so easy to let the negative attitudes affect my own. it's easy to think the world sucks after learning about all of the oppression and injustices in the world. however, i need to remind myself that life doesn't have to be that bad! yes, people go through some rough and unfair stuff...but i need to let myself imagine how their life may be better after they've received help from social services. some may say that this is naive, but at this point it's a defense mechanism that i need to cling to in order to keep my sanity.

so tonight as i fall asleep i will try to remember what i am thankful for rather than focus on the things i cannot change. i'm thankful that i have the opportunity to go to graduate school. if someone would have asked me about grad school 4 or 5 years ago i would have laughed in their face. i'm thankful that i am learning to be proud of myself. i'm thankful to have such a kind, loving, and supportive boyfriend. i'm also thankful to have such supportive family and friends. i may not be the most popular person, but i couldn't ask for better friends than the few that i have.

tonight  i will also remember that i really am just a kid at heart. i used to giggle at the kids at the crisis center when their designated coping skills were things like blowing bubbles and doing a puzzle. they took these tasks so seriously while still having such a carefree spirit. maybe i'll embrace those coping skills tomorrow. these kids may be onto something ;)